One in Four

"It's gone."

May 22nd, 2018 

6:00 am

 May 1st, 2018, I had a hunch that I was pregnant when I was eating cheese ravioli few nights before. I felt sick when I was eating it and that was unusual because who doesn't love ravioli? Obviously I did. So I searched for my pregnancy test in one of the moving boxes. (I JUST moved to Chicago from Corpus Christi) Grabbed a cup and peed in it, then put the stick in the cup for few seconds and I put the stick face down on the bathroom counter and left. The feeling of getting a positive test was terrifying but exciting, and the feeling of getting a negative was also a relief but upsetting. I came back knowing it was going to be negative so I picked it up and saw two pink stripes. For the first time since Nick and I got married, I FINALLY got pregnant after what I thought was impossible. Instantly the wave of emotions hit me; excitement, fear, joy, anxiety, blessed and worried. But it was mostly excitement because I finally have a mini me or mini nick and someone to change our diapers when we're old also. 

Nick was sleeping due to his shift at work, he worked 3rd shift working from 9 pm to 7 am at O'Hare Airport working as a aviation mechanic for a major airline. I didn't want wake him up and tell the news, I wanted it to be a surprise for him. I headed to Buy Buy Baby since Toys'R'Us shut down few weeks before moving to Chicago. I managed to get cute onesies from the clearance section and a Chicago Cubs onesie for my sister. I also got a rubber ducky and pacifiers as well and after that, I headed to Dollar Tree for gift wrapping and the boxes where I was going to put the surprise in. I swung by Hallmark on the way home to get a card for my mom, Nick and my sister. I got the gifts all together and had three boxes, one was for nick, one for my sister and one for my parents. I put the two boxes away and left Nick's box out. It was almost time to wake Nick for him to get ready for work. I had everything set, my phone on record, the box and the card set up for Nick. I woke him up saying that there's something he needs to see and hurry because laaaawd the anticipation was unreal. It was a bit of a struggle waking him up and have him come to the kitchen. He got up, walked to the kitchen with his bed hair and saw the package. He asked me what was the occasion and I said there was none just open the box. He opened the card and it said, "Congratulations" on the front and inside I wrote "You're officially on Pooper Scooper duty for 9 months! Congrats Fiona ♡" He didn't get it at first and he went, "huh? wtf?" Then opened the box. He shook the box and I said to him don't shake it because everything I organized in it was perfect. He opened the wrapper one by one until he saw the pregnancy tests, a pacifier and a onesie. He was definitely shocked for sure but happy and excited too. He didn't figured out about the cat litter cleaning duty until I told him and boy he wasn't happy about that haha!

He left the next day for a work training that lasted four weeks. With him gone, I tried to keep myself busy by researching the best baby formula if breastfeeding doesn't work out, cute outfits and shoes, the best body wash and shampoo and so on. I also researched where I want to give birth and made phone calls. I settled on West Suburban Midwife Associates in Oak Park, IL. I wanted to have a natural birth with low to no drugs as possible. I hated the idea of being stuck on the bed while having contractions, I like to be free and walking around as much as possible. I also didn't like the idea of having SO MANY PEOPLE in one room and being drugged up to speed up the labor. I rather have a quiet and peaceful birth surrounded with the people that I love. So I met my midwife and fell in love. She knew some ASL and I was so thrilled to have her as my midwife. We also got an estimate of when this little nugget would be coming and that date was December 30 to January 5th. I also felt blessed to have a midwife that speaks my language while I was in labor. I felt and knew this would be a great pregnancy and have her on my journey was even more amazing. I couldn't wait to tell Nick about the midwife. I also had my first ultrasound date set, June 1st, that was also the day Nick was coming home. Over the next few weeks, I was looking around for the gender reveal party, how to announce to our family and friends and so on. We both were so excited but scared shitless and we both knew this would be life changing & couldn't wait. 

I was 7.5 weeks with my nugget when I woke up in terrible cramps and I felt warm and wet. I immediately run to the bathroom in a panic and few minutes later, I felt my baby slip away. In that moment, the pain of having a miscarriage didn't hurt. The failure of keeping my baby baking for 9 months hurt. My first failure as a mother was not keeping my nugget safe wrecked me. I changed my clothes and urgently drove to my midwife's office for help. She confirmed that I was having a miscarriage and said, "I'm sorry but it's gone." Tears flooding up, I looked at the clock and it was 6 am. She continued to tell me that I need to have a D&C (Dilation and Curettage) to prevent infection in my uterus. There was tissues still there and needed to come out so we scheduled an appointment, May 24th, 2018. She told me to rest and continue with my normal routine until the appointment. I drove home and sobbed myself to sleep. In a span of few hours, I lost my baby and scheduled an appointment I never thought I would have. I was hit with a strong wave of grief for a child that I will never see, touch, kiss, laugh or give hugs. I buried myself with grief and darkness for awhile, and told no one until few days later. My sister was the first one to know that I was pregnant, and she was the first one to know that she lost a niece/nephew. Nick didn't know until he came home from training which was two weeks after I lost the nugget. He was devastated that he lost a child too but was angry at me because I should've told him immediately and I wouldn't be alone in the process. I also told my best friend when she came home from a bachelorette weekend in New Orleans and she was heartbroken too. My parents didn't know until Father's Day I had to tell because they needed to know too. I couldn't go out in public until I went to Texas because I wasn't ready to see babies, toddlers and kids. 

I attended a wedding almost two weeks later and I didn't even want to go because I knew there would be babies and toddlers at the wedding. So I went, hoping it wouldn't be bad and damn I thought wrong. It felt like a punch in the gut and life was taunting me that it should've been you but you failed to keep your nugget safe. On the reception day, families were asking me when Nick and I were going to have kids and I would be a great mom. THANK GOD my sister was at the wedding with me and she kept me sane. She made sure that she was there for me when people were asking me, I drank from afternoon to almost 11 pm or midnight, can't remember. It was SO FREAKING HARD to not to cry but I did, people were asking if I was ok and I couldn't tell them. I so badly wanted to scream and tell them that I lost my child and stop asking me about kids because I couldn't take it anymore. I wanted to go home, curl up in my bed and cry. I was drunk by the time for reception dinner and blacked out when we went out to bars. I vaguely remember Nick asking me again what exactly happened and I also remember bawling my eyes out to my mother in law and her sister. I also remember sobbing to my sister in law too and that was it. I also threw up on the side of bed because I just didn't want to get up. I woke up the next day with a massive hangover and shame. I felt embarrassed that actually happened but I knew it was coming because it had to come out sooner or later. I couldn't wait to haul ass home and forget about that weekend. 

I flew to Seattle two weeks after the wedding for my best friend's birthday weekend and it was kind of empowering to say at the least. It was also much needed because the day after I landed, we went hiking on Lake 22 near Granite Falls, Washington. It was 7 miles total with 1,486 ft in altitude. It was the toughest climb I've ever done, I wanted to give up many times but I knew that my nugget would want to keep going. I didn't do the hike for myself, I did the hike for my nugget. The view was worth it, it was foggy at first but it cleared up for a bit and we took so many photos. I had a moment alone on a rock facing the lake and shed few tears. I thought to myself that my nugget would hate seeing me like this, getting drunk, being angry all the time and blaming myself. I had to stop doing this to myself, I had to change for the better and I let go my emotions at the lake and watched it drown. I left a piece of me that day. It gave me comfort knowing that I released my feelings that day and from that point on, I felt better, I started to move on and finding out that I wasn't alone. It happens to women more frequently that we think. It hurts so much that it's a taboo to talk about miscarriages because society would point fingers at us while we did nothing wrong.

Lake 22 ♡

On my last day in Seattle, I went to my other best friend's housewarming party up north. Sara Jane warned me that there would be kids at the party and I was sort of prepared, and she said to me that if I didn't feel comfortable, let her know ASAP. I told her I would be fine because we brought little E to the party and he's adorbs y'all and he's mine, no touchy. With E being there, I felt little better because I knew him before I was pregnant and it was like having a friend there knowing that everything would be ok. We left the party and the sky was on fire, it was a with an immense feeling that I felt at peace. I felt it was a sign from my nugget telling me that everything will be ok. 

Few months ago, Nick and I discussed that we wanted to name our nugget to remember and to celebrate their birthday every year. Nick and I lost a child that day, we didn't even know the gender of our first and we didn't have a sonogram of our first. So we both chose Leonard or Vivienne. 

Lenny or Viv, 

Mommy and daddy loves you so much 

even though we never got to hold you

and see you grow into a 

wonderful and loving

person. 

April 10th-May 22nd 2018