It's my name and it's my choice

I'm married and... 

I kept my last name.

"Wait, WHAT?! You're supposed to change your last name when you're married!"

"You're so selfish to keep your last name!"

"You're stupid to do that!"

"It's so wrong to keep your last name, people will think you're not married."

"It's not the right thing to do when you're married."

Yeah, I know, big fucking deal. I kept my last name but I have many acceptable reasons why I kept my last name. 

I knew I didn't want to change my last name before I got married. It wasn't because of what other people were doing, it was because it was what I wanted to do. You see, I was raised to do what was right, and if I did something wrong, I would be shamed for it. With women out there like me that is wanting to keep their maiden name when they get married, they will get shamed for it, no matter what. We always will be shamed for what we're doing what we know is right for us. 

I was shamed for not changing my last name and it hurt me to hear those words coming out of both sides of my families because I thought they would understood and they would support me. But they didn't.

The day before the wedding, my mom dragged me aside and asked me if I was changing my name and I told her flat out no, I wasn't. She looked at me like I was not thinking right and she told me that she has been talking to Nick and he seemed upset that I wasn't changing my last name to his. I told her again that I wasn't changing and walked away. 

I was in for one hell of a ride.

The first time when I fought to keep my last name was AFTER the wedding when my husband felt it was wrong that his own wife didn't change her last name to his. He fought that it was the RIGHT thing to do was to change my last name to his. He felt pressured by his family to change my last name to his because it's what everyone did. Tears were streaming down my face, where was my husband's support from all this? Was I going to be in this by myself? 

Few days after that, my mother-in-law wanted to talk to me about not changing my name and she didn't want to talk to me. Was it because she wanted answers? Or could it be to pressure me to change my last name because it seemed like it was the right thing to do. 

Letters came and they were addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Grabanski and my mother-in-law was hinting at the last names when I was packing up for Corpus Christi and I just nodded at her like it was no big deal. Honestly, it was a big deal to me because you cannot respect my decision about my name. 

SO.

Let me ask you this..."What exactly is the right thing to do when you're married?"

Nothing.

There is no right or wrong thing to do with your last name, around 70% of women are still changing their names when they get married and that's ok! It's THEIR decision, not mine, and it's most definitely not yours as well. Meanwhile, the other 20% of women are keeping their maiden name after they get married and it's on the rise. These 20% of women have their perfectly good reason why they want to keep their last names.

Social media. It's one huge cyber space where you can find anyone by using their names, email address, or you can reconnect with someone that you lost communication long time ago. Social media is a great way to reconnect, long distance communications, to share a piece of our lives and so on. Once you get married, you have a choice, keep your maiden name or you change it. 

I had someone that I didn't know, never met that person before and never heard of that person before in my life and she contacted me via Facebook. She told me that she has been looking for Caflisch family because she has some of my Grandpa's childhood pictures, his wedding pictures and so on. She messaged me some of the pictures that I will cherish forever. Not once in my life I have seen this pictures and I'm in awe while she was sending me these. Then, it occurred to me, if I changed my last name to my married name, she would NEVER found me and I wouldn't be able to see these pictures. 

Fiona R.M Caflisch. That is who I am and who I will be. I have had that name for almost 25 years of my life, and it's my identity that I won't give up on. Scars, heartbreaks, bruises that comes and go, tears, and so many changes in my life are identities that I will give up on because it's part of growing up and letting that go is so easy. But my name? Can I let that go easily with knowing that my parents gave me a name that I am proud of to be changed in an instant? See link here. 

Not a chance, my name is my name and it's my identity that I am proud to hold on to. 

If I changed my last name, I would have to go through all that process to change my social security, email addresses, everything that holds to my maiden name. It's too much of a hassle for me and why should I go through all that process and my husband can't? All he did was just to put a ring on it and I have to go through all that process JUST to change my name? I would have to go to important places like the Social Security office multiple times to change my name and that would force me to miss my work days when I can be earning money to support my husband and my two fur babies. No. Just...no. It's not worth going through all that process when you already have a name. I could be sipping Long Island on the beach and not having to go through that hassle.

Some women keep their maiden names because of their work status, they've achieved so much in their work career and and they don't want to lose their success, their history with their company, and the possible of gaining top employers from around the world. They would also miss their greatest chance of getting promoted to higher level if they changed their last name. Women like them had their dreams of getting to a specific place where they work so hard to achieve their dreams, and to have that vanish within minutes would downgrade their work status and it would also confuse their coworkers as well. 

My husband got to the idea when he knew and understood when I didn't want to change my name, and he has my support and my respect for that. I asked him if me not changing my last name still bothers him and he said no, he hasn't thought about that at all. He's proud of me for standing for myself for not changing my last name and that's what he loves about me. "The only that matters is our profound love for each other, last names mean nothing in love and marriage. It's just words and it's meaningless."  <3 I LOVE MY HUBBY.

All in all, I'm not going to change it. Why you may ask? Because I happen to love my name. I am a Caflisch and nothing will be in my way. See link