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Eternal Void

I'm stuck. 

I want to move but I can't, I feel like my body is in a tar pit and cannot get out nor move. 

My body wants out, my head doesn't. 


Being depressed fucking sucks. It consumes all of your happiness, energy and worse of all, your identity. I cannot even remember what my life was before I got depressed, at all. I cannot remember the person I was before depression snuck in and destroyed me.

I think it started after I called the police on my ex boyfriend after being bullied, controlled, abused mentally, physically and emotionally from him. Going to court to get a restraining order from him and going to court to testify against him and also by going to the same high school with him when it all happened.

Then I was off to college in Rochester, New York and I do remember "seeing him" on campus thinking he was here to kill me. But he wasn't there at all. My mind tricked me. Then I was beginning to lose myself or I was already lost, I don't know.

I don't want to let him win. I don't want to let him think that he won by screwing me over. So I cannot let that happen.

I tried so hard to make it in school but I failed. I had to drop out because of my failing grades in the fall semester of 2013. That semester, I was supposed to graduate with an Associate degree in Liberal Arts, but instead I failed. I let myself down, I let my family down, I let so many people down. I always feel like I'm failing at small things and I feel like I'm a failure at living my life.

Instead of having my parents talk to me, I ran to Texas to be with my boyfriend who is now my husband. I had to lie to so many people that I had to drop out out because I had no money to pay for that fall semester. I HATED lying to people I loved and I had to do it so I wouldn't look like a horrible person to drop out.

I'm now married and living in Corpus Christi, Texas which is satan's armpits. It's SO humid here nearly year round and we only get two seasons; spring and summer. The beaches are super nice and seeing the turtles being released is so freaking cool too. HEB is my go to grocery store, it's the GOD of all supermarkets except Wegman's in the East coast. It's where I gained nearly 50 pounds, few sleepless nights, sleeping on the couch, fights, tears, and hatred. Don't get me wrong, living in Texas is and will be my favorite places to live in, definitely not Corpus.

Waking up everyday not knowing who I will be today sucks. I wake up, and my mind tells me who I'll be today. Will I be sad today? Will I just want to stay home with curtains closed and watch tv all day? Will I want to go out and socialize with friends? Will I be happy? Will I be happy and frustrated? The list can go on and on. I never get to have a choice or will be given a choice, I'm stuck with what my mind chose. I'm constantly fighting a war with my own body and mind every day and there has been no accomplishments. I don't know the person I was yesterday or the week before or a month ago. I won't know the person I will be tomorrow or next week or a month later. The only thing I know is the person I am today. It's like a new person comes into my mind daily and I'm not familiar with it.

My mind is and has been in a haze, I move slow and not rushed like I was before. It takes me awhile to process what people are telling me such as jokes or riddles because my mind is in a haze. It's like I've fell into a deep pit and it's pitch black and I don't know where I am. I'm lost. There's no signs to guide me, there's no one to tell me what I need to do to get out of that pit. I'm stuck. All I can do is curl up, cry, and sleep. I feel like I'm not alive, just a human doing what I'm supposed to do. I feel nothing, I'm emotionless. It's like living in a nightmare where everything feels pointless, I don't care for anything anymore, I have no feelings but I'm still able to interact with people. Sure there will be a few rays of sunlight where everything feels all is right in my world and the feeling is amazing, I always cherish it then it's gone, I'm in the darkness again filled with void. I feel like I'm constantly drowning in a dark ocean and once I pull myself out, I just lay there and watch the world continue to live on. Then I'm back in the ocean, drowning. When people ask me how I'm doing, I always have a mask on and I tell them that I'm fine. I just put on a smile and tell people I'm ok, I'm fine and no one can see past that mask. Behind that mask, I'm crying, my face is swollen from the tears, I'm so fucking tired of being strong and wearing that mask is exhausting. I'm screaming to people that I'm not fine, I need to be saved from depression. My screams are silent, my tears are invisible and I'm invisible.

Getting help is often a sign of weakness as people think. But they're wrong, knowing you need help and getting help is the best thing you can do for yourself. I know I need help and I have been getting help but I always stop because of my mind. I HATE asking for help because it's not their responsibility to take care of me, it's my problem and I have to figure that out. I don't want to make them feel like they HAVE to take care of me because they have their life to live. But again, I have to tell myself that my family and friends WANT to help me. They WANT me to be happy again, and that won't happen until I ask for help. That's one of the few things I need to work on. They trick my therapists thinking that I'm cured of depression. Depression is a crippling disease that will stay with you until you do something powerful to change your life. It's not just going to go away overnight. Depression can kill you. I've thought of suicide, of ending my life and ending depression. But I can't, my mom swore to me that if I kill myself, she will never forgive me. I'll end up hurting more people than I hurt myself, I have two cats that I love so very much and I can't imagine leaving them. I can't imagine leaving the people I love and I can imagine life without depression. It's a constant battle of staying alive and I intend on not letting my depression win. After all, suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255
For Deaf and Hard of Hearing Suicide Hotline: 1-800-799-4889 

Losing your life isn't worth it, there is help out there. 
There is people out there that loves you so very much and wants to help you. 
You are NOT alone. ♡


ps. To those who are my true friends and family, thank you for being there for me when I have my darkest days. I love you all so much ❤

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